December 13, 2014: Cancer Then & Now

Then: On December 21st, one day after my 8th birthday, my grandma died of breast cancer.
One week before my 22nd birthday on December 13th, 1995, my daddy died of multiple myeloma, a type of bone marrow cancer.

My previous feelings about cancer came from losing two of the people I loved the most. Cancer changed me. In some ways for the better, but in a lot of ways for the worse.
Thirty-three and nineteen years ago, my grandma and my daddy didn’t “lose their battles to cancer”, but I did.

God allowed them to win their battles! Matthew 25:23 says it all, “His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!'” They are no longer in pain. They no longer suffer. Their bodies were renewed, and their spirits went home! They are happy.

But all I saw at the time was my own selfish thoughts and feelings. God had stolen them from me as far as I was concerned. We’d all gathered in His holy name and prayed they’d be healed, and I failed to see that our prayers had been answered. Not the way we desired, but according to God’s will. That was something I couldn’t wrap my childish, selfish brain around for a long time.

I went through the grieving process after my daddy died until I got to anger. Then I stayed there. Anger became cancer. I was so mad at God, and I wasn’t afraid to tell Him all about it. Until the day I just decided to go silent. The good ol’ silent treatment.
Me, my life, and my world probably appeared okay to most everyone else, but what was hidden deep inside of me was secretly destroying so much of all I had to be grateful for. I was truly the one “losing my battle to cancer”.

My other cancer was fear. I spent the majority of my life afraid I would get cancer. Every time I got sick, I was sure I had it. If my body had three or more bruises on it at the same time, I was sure I was next. I’d die of this ghastly disease too. The first time I was offered a cancer supplement plan, I bought it. I was 24 years old. I paid for it religiously every year it was offered to me until this year.

Over the course of these years, I’d reconnect with God, but I wouldn’t let go of my cancers. I held on to fear and anger despite intense studies on both topics. I suffered from a lot of other things too. My whole body was full of cancers, and I was terminally ill. I allowed people to hurt me, and I’d hurt a lot of people along the way. I was dying a little more every day. It was a pathetic life. I was to blame for it. I let myself “lose my battle to cancer”.

I really started cancer treatment on April 5, 2014. My daughter, K’Lee, shared with me her very realistic dream to Heaven and back. God would use my child’s dream to show me all the answers I’d been searching for. It all came down to one simple sounding thing – Faith. Faith in a God I couldn’t see, hear, or feel until I truly had faith in Him. Then this magical and miraculous thing happened just like what happened to the Israelites in Hosea 2.

Now: I’m healed of cancer through the grace of God because of my faith in all that He is.

No, I’m not in denial. I’m fully aware of my medical pathology report. I’ve had it explained so well, I can teach a class on ductal carcinoma. I know exactly what it all means and what it could all mean, but I’m also fully aware that cancer can’t win this battle. Cancer loss the battle the moment I allowed myself to live by faith and not by anger or fear or anything else.

I spent over 40 years trying to figure out what my purpose was when all I needed to do was have faith that God holds my purpose in the palm of His hands. As long as I’m faithful to Him, I’m doing exactly what He has planned for my life.

No, I don’t understand why I got breast cancer. That’s outside my realm of comprehension. No, I don’t think it’s fair that I have to go through chemo, but that’s just me being human. What person ever has this on their bucket list? Poor choice of words maybe, but honestly no one signs up for this lifestyle.

Cancer now has come with God granted courage. God granted peace. God given strength. All because of my faith in Him, and my desire to allow His will to be done.

So my cancer today is not anywhere close to being as dangerous as the cancer I let eat at me most of my life. Perhaps, God is using this cancer as my final treatment from the cancers I’ve had for so long. I’m being healed a little more every day. The sun will shine through the clouds, and many will see God’s glory through this storm.

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About courage2conquercancer

At the age of 40, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. This is an account of my journey from my discovery and beyond.
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