January 20, 2015: Random Thinking

On my personal Facebook page, I often write my random thinking down. Tonight all my thoughts for this page are also random, so I think I’ll just follow that format. Please note there is often no rhyme or reason from thought to thought.

I shaved my legs for the first time since December 23, 2014. I’d love to tell you they were nasty and hairy, but they weren’t. I just desired that smooth feeling that is only gained by a close, fresh shave. At this rate, I’ll be able to use this blade for half the year.

The cool thing about going to a speciality clinic like Texas Oncology is you know exactly why everyone is there. The lady getting her blood drawn across from me today said, “Don’t you worry about a thing, young lady. I beat cancer, and you will too. See this hair? It’s growing back. It has a lot more curl since my old hair was straight, but it just makes it easier to do in the morning. It’s really been a blessing.” We ended up having the greatest conversation. She was there for her first 6 month check-up post being declared “cancer free”.

Another lady came into the lab and sat down beside me to wait her turn. She looked so sad. I complimented her business suit and cute shoes. Her face lit up like a kid in a candy shop. She asked me where I bought my boots, and the next few minutes we talked nonstop about shoes and sales. That lady needs to take me shopping. She knows how to get all the best deals.

My husband and son surprised me at the lab as I waited for my results. I used to be the worry wart, but Jon has taken on my role. I knew all wasn’t right in Kandi Land, but I never allowed myself to think worse case scenario. Jon feared they’d tell me something bad or take me to the chemo room for something. He knows I have a really hard time in the chemo room especially on non-chemo days. Thankfully, I just had some low numbers, but not so low that I wasn’t allowed to leave.

I read once if you go days without eating your brain goes into starvation mode and starts storing everything you do eat up as fat in fear you will have to go more days without eating. If this is true, I’m going to be a hippo! Chemo days 1-4 I probably eat between 100-1000 calories a day. Once my appetite comes back though and I no longer feel like I might throw up everything I stick near my mouth, I become a picky pig. The foods I can tolerate – I eat them all!

My eyelashes are falling out. My mascara felt cheated today.

My eyebrows are shedding too. One side is way worse than the other. It seems they all want to hang out in my eye too.

Even the hairs on my arms have started falling out.

And my head…yeah, it’s bald too now. I couldn’t handle the mange look any longer. My husband shaved off all the rouge red hairs. I’ve gone from looking like a sick old man to an alien. I just need my own personal UFO now. Some days I’d really like to be able to disappear into the stars.

I’ve been house hunting way outside my price range. I love looking at what a million dollars can buy you. I’ve decided I need a $500,000 backyard entertainment living area to go with my $100,000 house on about 10-15 acres of trees and roses with a private pond and a creek that runs in the back. I might get some peacocks too but no geese. Geese hate me. They all want to bite me…usually in the butt too. This is what happens when I’m allowed to watch too much TV.

I love to read. I’ve read thousands of books. Trivia Crack has taught me that I’m horrible at recalling authors, titles, and specific details of even books I’ve really enjoyed. My brain is best described as a junkyard. There’s a lot of really cool stuff inside of there, but I’m going to have to dig through a lot of other stuff if I ever plan on finding it.

I’ve been reading the Bible a lot. I hate to admit that I read it much more than normal. There are some really twisted stories in the Bible though. Have you ever attended Sunday service and heard the preacher teach about mocking baldness? Don’t make fun of the bald head people!

My daughter says my boobs feel like gigantic ping pong balls when she hugs me. I really think they are bigger than that but whatever.

Today we talked about the Midwest states in class. We talked about wheat, corn and dairies. It made me homesick for some winter wheat fields. There’s something awesome about seeing a huge field of green in the middle of everything that’s dead. Then again, there’s something awesome about seeing a golden dead wheat field right before harvest surrounded by green life.

In yoga we are taught to inhale through the top of our heads and exhale through the bottoms of our feet. In theory, you’re releasing all the toxins from your body out of the bottoms of your feet. Keeping this in mind, my toenails have turned brown and my feet have dried out. My toenails crack and break and haven’t really grown much since starting chemo. My fingernails, on the other hand, are growing stronger by the day and only get shorter when I nervously pick at them. So maybe there’s more to that whole getting rid of toxins through your feet than we know.

I know that God has a plan for all things, but I can honestly say I’m getting tired of seemingly bad news and tough times especially when it involves my children’s hearts. It’s hard for me to watch them hurt and to hear their cries. Please say extra prayers for them and their pets.

God’s ways are not our ways. Faith is my belief that His way is better than my way even as I struggle through it all. Through it all is joy and His glory will shine trough the darkest of clouds. A rainbow is coming…

About courage2conquercancer

At the age of 40, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. This is an account of my journey from my discovery and beyond.
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