I think I suffer from over determined stupidity. I’m pretty sure this is a James trait passed down to me as I’ve witnessed it in my siblings as well. It’s a condition where you believe your will can overpower your body or even your mind. Many times this works exactly as executed. We might suffer a bit, but we survive. There are other times when this type of determination turns over to stupidity. It’s like running down a mountainside as fast as you can knowing this could kill you but believing it won’t, so you dash down at full speed anyway. Some days you make it to the bottom with your heart pumping full of adrenalin and feeling victorious. Other times you slip, slide, and even roll to the bottom feeling thankful you lived to tell the story. And some days you know when you take the first step off the mountain it isn’t going to go well but you can’t not try. These are the moments when God proves we are human. This was my today.
I walked out my front door determined to survive the day. I might walk away exhausted and queasy, but I was sure I could make it. Fatigue is familiar. I can handle being tired. It’s just a mental battle I typically can talk my mind through. Nausea is a nuisance, but if I take my meds as soon as I feel it coming on I’m usually okay. Today, nausea gave little warning. It snuck up on me and attacked. I’m smart enough now to know once I start throwing up, it’s time to get off the mountain and try again tomorrow.
Sometimes I win. Other days chemo wins. But cancer doesn’t get to ever win!