June 11, 2015: Abraxane’s Broken Masterpiece

Abraxane #11

Today started out way too nerve raking and stressful before I ever even made it to my appointment at Texas Oncology. Thankfully, I’m surrounded by a strong group of friends and family who all jumped in to come to the rescue. Some physically. Some emotionally. Some for comic relief. Thankfully, I had them all!

I’m not used to doing chemo without Jonathan. He’s been at every treatment at some point except today. I’m so thankful I have never done a chemo session on my own. I know that’s a tremendous blessing from God. Today, I was even thankful Jonathan wasn’t there because it meant our prayers have been answered, and God has placed Jonathan in the job God truly wanted and desired for him. God’s timing and my timing weren’t in agreement with one another, and I really struggled at times. God proved His timing was perfect, and in retrospect I look back knowing God’s plan was great. Many of my daily victories happened because I had a full time caretaker who’s day revolved around my physical, mental and emotional care. Some of us are strong enough to overcome them all on our own, but I’m so thankful I didn’t have to. 

This was my fastest chemo treatment ever. In and out in a little over two hours. That allowed me time to go have lunch with my chemo treatment  partner who’s also become a loving and caring friend and recent cancer survivor – Melissa Knights. This woman has helped me in more ways than I can list. Thank God for bringing her into my life. 

  

Chemo is still chemo and the side effects are still present. I have to have my quiet, alone time to just be still and quiet. God seems closer in these moments or perhaps I’m just more aware of Him because the distractions are removed. 

This round means in 7 days I’ll complete my final round of chemo. That’s exciting! It’s a change in routine I’m looking forward to. 

My hair is still growing. It’s thick and wavy. The color isn’t really of my own personal liking, and I appear a bit more manly with my pixie-like grow back style than I would prefer. Now I know why women wear their hats for so long. Like so many other things during this process once I get strong enough to let go, I let go and force myself to stretch and grow. This is not for the weak. I’ve developed some thicker skin I didn’t have before, and I try to search for the positive even though I don’t always find it during the moment or even on day one. Some days, the silver lining is faint and has to be searched for which hasn’t always been one of my strongest characteristics. I’m thankful cancer has taught me that half empty is the positive sometimes because it allows others to bless us in our times of need and that’s the only positive to be found that day. 

Abraxane hasn’t destroyed my white blood cells at all, ever. Eleven rounds down with WBC in the normal range. My red blood cells are on the higher side of low which has become my normal. They don’t drop into that dangerous low level anymore. 

Life can crack us, break us, and even shatter us, but it only destroys us when we allow ourselves to focus on the brokenness and not the masterpiece the brokenness is creating. 

1 Thessalonians 5:16 – Rejoice always!