June 13, 2015: Not Quite Normal

Life hasn’t been what it was for months. It will never be again. I’ve come to accept this fact, and I’m perfectly okay with many of changes in my life. Lack of energy isn’t one of them though. 

I went to my mom’s with my daughter and grandbaby. It’s about a five hour drive. We didn’t do anything besides hang out at the house. I went for some walks with my sister, Roni, and walked around my mom and Frank’s place, but it wasn’t like I attempted to run a marathon or anything. 

My grandpa hasn’t seen me since before I was diagnosed with cancer. He hadn’t watched the changes in my physical appearance. I tried to prepare myself, but it still hurt my heart a little when he had no clue who I was. Not normal. 

On our way home, we stopped to get something to eat. I went to the bathroom. A lady and her granddaughter were washing their hands and I was waiting for my turn. When the lady turned around, she had this shocked look on her face and literally asked, “Are we in the wrong one?” I smiled and as confidently as I could said, “No, I’m a woman too.” A bit of sting to the ego. 

Yesterday, I said goodbye to my grandson. Oh, it was so hard to let him go. Afterwards, I went to my friend, Amber’s, wedding shower. Then to pick up my daughter from work. Once I was back home, I was out. I didn’t wait to ensure everyone in my family was home. I didn’t check the locks. I just crashed. Not normal. 

This morning Jonathan and I went on our breakfast date. Before I got cancer, we tried to go out at least every other week to dinner just the two of us. Cancer changed a lot of things including date night. Most nights I was too tired or too sick. Somewhere along the way, we started going out to breakfast. This morning we had a new waitress. She mistook me for a man too. I even had on a pink breast cancer shirt. I’m obviously not girly looking enough with short hair. It’ll grow out some more in time. I’m learning to be patient. 

Today, I’ve slept more hours away than I think I’ve been awake. My attempt at being normal failed. I’m just not quite there yet, but I’m coming back. I’m much better than I was in January and February. I’m healing. I’m getting stronger. 

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About courage2conquercancer

At the age of 40, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. This is an account of my journey from my discovery and beyond.
This entry was posted in Abraxane, before cancer, breast cancer and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

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