I went back to the doctor today to have my surgical site checked. The ace bandage was removed and the horror revealed. I choked back the tears. I’d forgotten. There’s nothing “normal” about this new look. I had just gotten used to the abnormal me, and now I’m even more abnormal. Sad day on the psyche.
I tried to prepare myself, but I did a really bad job. I told myself it would be like last time. No. Not even close. Way worse! An incision on top of a scar that was fading away, that I’d learned to accept, is a horrific site. I’m thankful for the removal of the expander because it means I can start healing physically, but the mental anguish is a lot tougher on me than I can even put down into words.
I will heal. I know this to be true. I have one of the best plastic surgeons in the nation. He’ll make me appear as normal as is possible. I get this. I know this to be true too. But today, I just let the tears flow. It’s okay to cry some days. It’s okay to mourn what’s been lost. We weren’t created to have parts of our bodies removed. It’s not normal. So it’s okay to let the tears fall. I’ll be tough tomorrow but today I’m going to allow myself a moment to grieve.