I’ve been extremely discouraged as I’ve walked these past few months. I thought (hoped) the end of chemo meant the beginning of my return to life as normal. I’ve failed. 😞
I’ve been reminded since chemo I’ve had 1 minor and 2 major surgeries. This past major surgery came with complications. I know this. Those in the world I live in know this. But, the demands of life remain. Even as people tell me they understand and to rest and take care of myself, I can see and can sense the disappointment and frustration which adds to my own sense of disappointment and frustration. I want to be all I once was. I don’t want to be less than. This has been my new battle. The cancer is gone, but my battles remain. Sometimes, I feel like this one is worse than the one I just fought. Everyone understands your body and mind’s inability to keep up with the day to day aspects of life when you are being poisoned with chemo or being operated on, but few can truly grasp the fallout from a year of fighting cancer. I don’t want your pity. I just wish others could see and understand the struggle, the fight, the war I go through as I try to exist in a world that sees anyone who’s unable to keep up with the stressors and demands of a too stressful and too busy world as a failure. I don’t do failure well. I don’t like to lose! I’m a fighter and I will fight until I die, but right now I feel like I’m losing. 😩
I have a great support system, but they are tired too. They are ready for me to step back up to the plate and take on all the responsibilities that come with the games I use to have a starring role in. I’m sorry. I wish I could make it through more than a couple of innings a day, but I just can’t. Just the thought of taking on an entire day is often too overwhelming for me. That’s frustrating, extremely frustrating!
And then I was reminded . . .
To Just Be Held!
And then . . .
I’m bruised and battered, but I’m not out of the fight. I serve an awesome God. He has a mighty plan for this life I’m blessed to live. I have faith answers are coming as is help to bring me energy and ways to overcome all that has chained me.