God told me to move, so I trembled. I’m sure He stood over me shaking His head saying, “Oh, ye of little faith.” So I felt as though I needed to explain my doubts and fears to Him as if He didn’t already know them. What I was really saying was my faith isn’t quite where it should be yet. I’m sure God was a bit disappointed; although, I doubt He was surprised. He’s very much aware of the fact that I’m a work in progress.
And so as I stood on solid ground overlooking the seemingly steep and rugged cliff I prayed instead. “God, I’m just not sure what you want me to do. See, stepping off this cliff seems really stupid to me. We have bills to pay. Thanks to medical issues, we’ve got a lot of bills to pay! How do I jump?”
“Trust me. I will make sure you are cared for just as I care for the flowers in the fields and the birds in the sky.”
“Yes, I know. But do you see this cliff? This could kill me!”
“No, this will actually save your life. Just take the step. I’ll catch you.”
Nope. I took a step backwards instead. My human brain could not take that step of faith. I still prayed. I still felt the nudge. I still knew I was to move. I stood there shaking in my own skin instead. “Dear God, I might need your help because I’m petrified. I know you want me to step off this cliff and I want to obey, but I need help.”
Sometimes God’s answer to prayer goes a lot differently in real life than I imagined it. His ways are hardly ever my ways. And so . . .
People pushed and pushed and shoved me over the side of the cliff. I probably should have praised God and thanked Him for answering my prayers. Instead, I was angry. I was upset at the people pushing me. I felt like they had given up on me. Oh, they said flowery words, but their actions seemed cold-hearted and mean. I felt betrayed and broken. I was mad!
I went back to God and poured my anger out at His feet. I told Him I understood life wasn’t fair, but this wasn’t fair! I wonder if He smiled or frowned. God was silent. I really don’t like when God is silent because that usually means I’m the one doing all the talking, and I refuse to shut up and listen. I’m pretty sure this holds true for this moment in time too. Some might call me a weak Christian or even a bad one. The truth is I’m a typical person in need of Christ daily. And some days, like these days, my human side wasn’t liking the ways of God because they weren’t matching up with the ways of me or the ways of man. I was still flailing my arms, kicking my feet and screaming as I was free falling from the top of that cliff. God let me fall and fall. And then as though at the last possible moment, He caught me just as He promised.
The road before me won’t be easy. He’s not promised me that at all. He’s granted me much needed time to heal. Time I refused to give myself. Time I felt proved I was weak instead of strong. Time I didn’t feel like I deserved but He does. It’s interesting how once I stopped fighting, and I just allowed God to hold me how quickly I stopped trembling.
This past week, I’ve been exhausted. I no longer have a job to report to nor expectations to live up to or a sixty hour or more workload to handle. So why is functioning in life so difficult? Didn’t I do as I was commanded? Yes. Healing doesn’t come in a day. Nor in a week. Time. Yes, time. Our best friend and worst enemy. We use it and abuse it. This week my time was spent on my family and my mission and myself. It was exhausting!
Stepping away from teaching in order to become a healthier me seemed selfish and selfless all wrapped in one ugly ball of emotions. And then God showed me something amazing this week. My kids needed me. I was there. My doctors felt it imperative to change five appointments. All in the middle of the day. I sighed in relief. No problem. I can do that. Whew! That felt good. My husband called and asked if I’d make a mad dash to San Antonio late Thursday morning. My response, after assuring he’d made arrangements for the kids, was “Let’s go!” I’ve dreamt of this moment. It was a lot of miles in a short period of time. But it was also a romantic walk along the Riverwalk and time together. It was miles of dream talking of a future we will never take for granted again.
God said move, and I wonder now why I trembled.