About two years ago, my husband and I felt two different ways. As the wife, I stepped back and decided to be supportive of a change in my husband’s career I wasn’t set on myself. It was the beginning of an answer to a prayer never spoken. I know that sounds crazy, but if there’s something I’ve learned through all of this it is that God’s ways are not always my ways.
Fast forward to October 2014 and this decision made in March 2014 seemed so incredibly wrong and stupid. I remember telling God how upset I was during my morning run. God quietly whispered in the silence of the morning right before dawn, “Have faith. My ways are not your ways, but I have a plan for this. Trust me. It is good.”
Honestly, I didn’t see it that way, nor would I see it that way for a very long time. In fact, I would be angry at multiple people on multiple levels. I would be fearful. I worried. I would fail to see the gift God was giving me. I had no idea He was answering prayers I didn’t even know I needed to pray. God knows me better than I know myself, and He was about to prove it over the course of seven months.
A few days after my husband told me he no longer had a job, I was diagnosed with cancer. I never went to a scary doctor’s appointment alone. I never had surgery without him there when I went to sleep and there when I woke up. He’d be there for weekly blood draws, 17 rounds of chemo, shots that were extremely painful, last suppers, throwing up on his shoes, ER visits, doctor visit after doctor visit after doctor visit, and he picked up my slack day after day. All that sounds like a lot. It seems to be enough. But this wasn’t even the biggest answer to the prayer I never said.
My husband had a way of knowing when I was slipping away into the darkness that cancer seems to cover many of us in. He would coax me outside to sit in the sun. I can’t tell you how many times he’d move my chair or how he’d plug my electric blanket into an extension cord through the garage so the winter cold wouldn’t keep me out of the sun. On the days it was just too cold to be outside, he’d start a fire and watch “Buying the Carribbean” or “Buying the Beach” with me and allow me to dream of being a novelist on some beach somewhere. We’d laugh. We’d dream. We’d hope for better days. More proof God’s answer to a prayer I never spoke.
I prayed and prayed he’d get a new job. We were out of money. We couldn’t pay our bills. We were about to lose everything. Somehow, some way, “manna” always fell from Heaven. And then the end was near, and God knew I’d be okay. Jon went back to work. A few months later, I would too. But I didn’t get to stay. It seemed as though my world was unraveling once again. Nothing was going as planned. By October 2015, I was being “forced” back into the darkness. This time I’m sure God had a beautiful plan too. I may never understand it all or some other event may shine the light on His ways. Or perhaps, this time away from work without Jon by my side was to show me just what an amazing gift God gave me when He answered that prayer I didn’t know to pray two years ago.