Today’s message at church was on strength and faith in God’s timing when you’re going through the tough stuff in life. It reminded me so much of a conversation I had with God. I had just been told I had cancer. I remember sitting across from the breast surgeon. I listened intently for the fastest way to get away from cancer. Oh, how I hated that word. Cancer was a curse and I didn’t want it, yet here it was.
I walked away convinced a horrific surgery would take it all away and that would be the end of it. No chemo. No radiation. No years and years of medication. Not for me! I remember praying for the cancer to be gone. No chemo. No radiation. No long term medication. God said to trust Him.
The CT came back, pathology came back, and genetic testing came back. Everything went back on the table. A port was inserted days after surgery and chemo followed shortly there after. I was NOT happy! This was NOT what I signed up for at all. I even remember telling God something along these lines. He said, “I’m here for you. Trust me.” I did.
In retrospect, I’ve wondered why. Why didn’t I argue with God? That’s who I was when my dad had cancer. In today’s service, the preacher was talking about a conversation between two men. One man had cancer. The other man stated something along the lines of fearing he wouldn’t have the grace to deal with cancer like the man with cancer had. And the one with cancer said something like, “Of course not, you don’t have cancer.” When we are walking with God, He grants us the strength and grace we need when we need it. I also found He granted me patience when I gave up control and allowed Him to do things His way instead of my way. It wasn’t always pretty and it was far from easy, but I look at the growth that came from it.
In a few days, I will have tumor markers done, blood drawn, a CT scan, and several doctors’ appointments to ensure I haven’t had a reaccurance. The results to these tests often come 7-10 days after the tests are done. The waiting can be exhausting. But regardless off the results, I know I’ll have the strength needed because when I am weak He is strong.