The Downside of Reconstruction

After my double mastectomy, I couldn’t wait to have boobs again. I can’t even explain what it was like when the bandages came off and I stared at the aftermath of surgery. I remember staring at the reflection in the mirror and the tears streaming down my face. I had to remind myself that this was temporary. That it would all be worth it in the end. And in a few years, it would all just be a faded bad memory.

Well, there are the resemblance of boobs on that flabby, flat chest. The scars have faded but are still visible but no longer bother me. But the pain has a way of sneaking up on me from time to time as I’ve learned the pectoral muscles were never meant to take the place of breast tissues. If I catch myself during a fall, if I scrub the shower walls too hard, if I reach above my head too many times, if I spend too many hours at a keyboard, or if I workout a little harder than I should have, I can cause havoc on my chest. My pectoral muscles will spasm and start to burn – like feel like they are on fire, which is very uncomfortable coming from an area of my body that has been left with little to no feeling after multiple surgeries. So after a few sleepless nights, I called my chiropractor, Dr. Hawkins, at Body Works Chiropractic to work her magic on me.

After an adjustment, cupping and dry needle work, and some stretching, I might be able to sleep a little tonight. Who knew how painful the appearance of boobs would be. Some days, I wonder if they are worth it. I’ve thought about having them removed from time to time. Today was one of those times.

Some pieces of this journey are hard to share, hard to be open and honest about, and have taken a long time for me to say, “This really sucks! Is it really worth this?” And some days, like today, I honestly regret having implants. Tomorrow or a few days from now when I put on a certain top or dress, I’ll be glad they are there, but today, I’m not a fan.

About courage2conquercancer

At the age of 40, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. This is an account of my journey from my discovery and beyond.
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4 Responses to The Downside of Reconstruction

  1. In my country, the majority of women who have had mastectomy do not bother to get reconstruction.jobs. I think, i have enough problems with breast cancer to bother about another problem. But I wish I had double mastectomy then, as my right breast had to be monitored every 6 months and how I hate mammogram!

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  2. I’m from the Philippines. Nobody I know who had breast cancer talked about reconstruction. Probably, movie stars do.

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